Finding the Courage to Begin Again
Use Your Fear as Fuel
Hindsight is 20/20
This old adage means that clarity often comes only after the moment has passed. We don't always understand the full picture until we’ve lived through it. It’s how we learn, grow, and make sense of life—by reflecting and looking back.
This kind of hindsight is true of many things, but here on these pages, we’re going to focus on one thing in particular: Courage.
Let’s keep it real—rarely does anyone rise from their seat in the face of fear, hunch their shoulders and say to themselves, “Okay, I’m about to be Courageous!”
If you’re one of the rare few who has done that—first of all, I salute you. Go ahead and honor yourself right here and now. Seriously! Stop right now and give yourself a pat on the back. You earned it.
But for the rest of us? Keep reading.
Your moment is coming.
Courage Almost Never Feels Like Courage When You’re in It
Courage usually doesn’t feel brave while it's happening. It often shows up at the same exact time fear walks in the door. That’s the tricky part.
You don’t know you’re being courageous—until after the moment has passed.
Courage looks good in hindsight. In the moment? It feels messy, uncertain, and terrifying.
I didn’t even realize I’d done something courageous until a dear friend pulled me aside one day, looked me square in the eyes as if pleading, and asked:
“Where did you find the courage?”
She wasn’t saying it because she thought I was a coward. On the contrary—she saw me as a superhero.
But my response wasn’t anything poetic or profound.
I looked at her, took her hand, and said:
“I honestly don’t know. I just knew I couldn’t turn back.”
Her eyes welled up with tears. And in that moment, I believe something powerful happened between us. I transferred some of my courage to her.
Whether it was the tone in my voice, the squeeze of my hand, or the fact that I was still standing after the decision—I could feel her shifting.
What She Didn’t Know
What she didn’t see was the giant knot that had lived in my stomach for days—no, weeks—before I made that move.
She didn’t know I couldn’t sleep.
She didn’t know I couldn’t eat.
Nor did she know I used Zumba class as an outlet for my fear, loosing 25 lbs. in the process.
She didn’t know I paced the floor, ran through every scenario, and begged God for clarity.
But in that moment, she didn’t need to know.
What she did need was hope.
And because I loved her like a sister, I wanted her to leave that conversation not feeling overwhelmed or afraid—but believing she could be brave too.
So What Was the Big Decision?
Here it is.
I was the wife of a very public figure—highly respected and deeply loved by our community.
And I demanded a divorce.
After 20 years of marriage, I saw no other choice but to end the walk we had walked together.
Was I afraid?
Yes. Of so much.
Here’s a short list of what I feared in those moments:
How would he respond?
Would he try to deny me my freedom?
How would our children be affected?
The respect I’d lose in our faith community and as a public figure
Living even one more day feeling the loneliness that had engulfed me
Missing the chance to realize my own potential
Failing
And the big one: How would I survive without him?
And that’s not even the whole list.
But you get the point.
The Funky In-Between
If someone paid me for every hour I’ve spent watching reels or reading stories about women finding courage after the fact, I’d be rolling in it.
But I rarely find stories that talk about the in-between—that gritty, uncertain middle space between fear and the final decision.
You know the place I’m talking about:
Where your stomach turns, your hands sweat, and you second-guess your sanity…
but deep down, something inside you whispers:
“Keep going. You can’t go back.”
That whisper?
That’s Courage, baby.
And even if you don’t recognize her in the moment—she’s there.
Let’s Journey Together
I created The Joi of Courage for women like us.
Women who’ve been brave without even realizing it.
Women who are at a crossroads right now, wondering if they can survive what comes next.
Women who are sick of pretending, tired of holding their breath, and ready to rise.
Over the coming weeks, I’ll share stories, reflections, and truths from my own life—and invite you to share yours too.
I’ll talk more about that “big decision” and many others in my lifetime, about what it meant to be in a polygamous marriage (yep, we’ll get there), and how I found myself again and again through grace, grit, and faith.
Clarity. Change. Confidence. The 3 C’s of Courage™ — for your next chapter.
Let’s be real, raw, and courageous—together.
A beautiful piece! Thank you for sharing your words and journey ❤️